


A place called home

by Dino_Cattivo



Category: James Bond (Craig movies), James Bond (Movies), London Spy
Genre: Angst, Background Danny/Alex, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Hurt James Bond, Hurt/Comfort, James Bond Has Issues, Jealous James Bond, M/M, Protective Q, Self-Esteem Issues, Trust Issues, Whump, no beta we die like James Bond
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-01
Updated: 2020-08-01
Packaged: 2021-03-05 19:53:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25650928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dino_Cattivo/pseuds/Dino_Cattivo
Summary: James comes back to London exhausted and drained after a mission went wrong, wanting nothing more than to cuddle with his boyfriend. But returning doesn't give him the peace he had hoped for.
Relationships: Danny Holt/Alex Turner, James Bond/Q
Comments: 2
Kudos: 74





	A place called home

**Author's Note:**

> A thank you to the 00QAD fandom letting me use the music bot in their discord extensivly. It is still mostly 00Q as I haven't finished London Spy yet but I attempted to write Danny and Alex and hope I did them justice.
> 
> One another note: This time I didn't use much formating because people seemed indifferent about it when I used a lot last time. I will test how readable it is this way and see how I will do things in the future.

James gracelessly stumbled out of the taxi he had taken to get from the airport to Vauxhall Cross, his whole body aching as he made his body limp up the stairs and through the front doors of MI6. Nobody even attempted to stop or harass him by controlling his identification which was fake anyway, already warned of his arrival and intimidated by the murderous frown on his face.

Once inside he straightened up and held his head high, puffed out his chest in confidence, put a lazy smirk on his face, and balled the hand hidden in his pocket till his nails bit into his skin to drown out the pain as he forced his battered body to stride forward. He wasn’t injured badly, not in comparison to how he usually ended up after a mission, only some brushes, small cuts and grazes and a strained angle but he felt worse than back then. Maybe it was his age slowly catching up with him or how dissatisfied the mission had ended no feeling of achievement to dull the pain.

But even if he felt like death warmed over he knew that it wasn't worth going to medical over, he had a painstakingly build reputation to keep after all and it was not like he would just double over any second. He just had to put up a front and get through the briefing with Mallory before he could go home, put some ice on his foot, take some painkillers and sleep it off. 

But once the elevator doors opened and he could lean against the wall to get some weight of his foot he didn't press up to get it over with but down for the lower levels instead where Q branch resided. Not that he had managed to bring any of his equipment back in one piece for once. His departure had been so abruptly and unexpected he hadn’t been able to bother with any luggage beside the clothes on his body and the wallet filled with cash and a fake ID. He was glad he managed to get back at all with how much of course the mission had gone. And he doubted Q branch would want the cheap burner phone he got on his way to the airport to call for extraction. 

Q would pretend to be very disappointed in him for losing all his tech but by now James knew the other man well enough to recognize that the offended spluttering and lectures were just a way for Q to deal with his worry for the agent's safety. He would gladly take the sledgehammer to his tech himself if this would bring back an agent alive instead of in a body bag.

The fear for Jame’s health had only increased since their relationship had shifted from professionally, and dare James say friends, to something more. Not that anyone knew about that shift as they saw it fit to keep their private life just that. Private. Well expect Tanner because you couldn’t hide anything from the man but so far he hadn’t said anything or took actions so they guessed he was pretending not to know all in the name of possible deniability. 

But even if it was mostly a secret he and Q were a thing now which gave James an actual reason to visit Q branch beside to annoy or scare the minions and pine for Q from afar. And he desperately needed to make use of this reason right now to see Q. He needed to assure himself that the man was alive, well, and breathing. It was a stupid notion as he knew on a base level that Q was well and healthy, the overall panic otherwise would have surly altered him otherwise. That didn’t stop the gnawing unease and terror deep in his stomach.

As he stepped out of the elevator Q branch was bustling with activity like a nest of bees, the minions falling over each other's feet in their haste. One glance around, the monitors, the open files, and the equipment they were preparing made obvious that they made preparations to salvage the mission and readying another agent to step in now that his cover had been blown. 

As he stepped through their ranks he felt silent stares with various degrees of disappointment, anger, and shock- by now they should know that he always came back. Especially now that there was something to come back to. Or rather someone. Their silence only made their whispered words echo louder.

“Who does he think he is?”

“Can’t even-”

“-did he even bother to come back?”

“-his fault, must have slept around again.”

“-do his job right”

“-keep hands to himself. Horny bastard.”

“-doesn’t fire him already.”

“-messed up.”

“Failure.”

The words blended together in one big mass of accusations and untruths. They were all wrong. It hadn’t been his fault. At least not entirely. Once he arrived it had already been too late. There had been options but he hadn’t been able to take them, not without him losing the last little piece of humanity he had left. And after...the pain and misery had stopped any thoughts of a more diplomatic approach and he had just returned fire.

Maybe they were right after all. Maybe it was his fault. He should have seen it coming never even let it get so far. But he had let his guard down and didn't even think about the possibility and it had blown his cover wide open.

He stopped in the middle of the branch looking around for a dark mob of hair he knew better than his own but didn't find it. Instead, R strode up to him with a displeased frown on her face.

“Bond, I see you manage to drag yourself back in one piece. Am I right to assume the same can't be said about our very delicate and expensive equipment?”

James just rose an eyebrow in answer making here tut in annoyance. 

"Where is Q?”

“Not that it is any of your business as you are not part of this branch nor our superior but he took a personal day.”

James was more than a bit disappointed that Q wasn’t here waiting. Even since before the thing between them started Q had always been there when he arrived from a mission to be the first to greet him. He must have known that James would come back today even if it was short notice. Q was an absolute genius and James had no trouble admitting that he didn’t even understand half the stuff Q got up to on a daily basis. He would have to know the minute James sat in the plane with his fake ID that he was coming back.

The thing in his stomach roared and James can feel bile rising up his throat as the worry takes over. Q never takes a personal day expect if James is badly injured from a mission or having one of these days where he is just getting lost in his own head and needs Q to bring him back to reality. Or on a more pleasant note when James kidnaps Q under the man’s loud complaining to get away from work and all the responsibilities to take a break and relax. 

“Is he alright?”

R just gave him an exasperated look but didn’t seem that pissed anymore, her eyes even softening a little as he inquired about Q’s safety before she turned around and strode away. She valued Q and even if she couldn’t stand James and gave him shit every time he stepped foot into the branch he couldn’t help but respected her loyalty. She wouldn’t be so calm if something was wrong with Q. 

A bit calmer in that knowledge he made his way up to Mallory's office. The faster he got through this the faster he could investigate where Q was and reassure himself he was really alright and not hiding clear signs of overwork. 

“He is expecting you,” was the only comment from Eve while she continued to furiously tip on her computer not even making eye contact. James had to admit it was quite impressive how she always knew who left the elevator, but all his attempts of trying to bribe her to teach him that skill had so far been unsuccessful.

“Good to see you too Ms Moneypenny.”

She just hummed in replay as he strode past her desk and entered M’s office without waiting for a reply after the knock and sat down casually on a chair to relieve his foot. The man looked at him with a displeased frown on his face but didn’t comment on any of James’ rudeness.

“Bond! Explain to me how after months of careful planning and slowly infiltration your cover was suddenly blown.” 

“Sir,” Bond greeted with a slight nod becoming more and more irritated with everyone just ignoring the fact he made it back against incredible odds. A welcome back after all these months couldn’t be that hard.

“As I mentioned in my previous report I made contact with one of the victims and gained their trust in the hope to acquire more insight into the smuggling ring inaccessible to me. Which was working well enough as you can also see in my previous reports.” 

Liar! He was a fucking liar. As if that had been the reason to make contact and not how familiar they had looked. He was lucky he was such a good liar easily schooling his face into a cold professional mask instead of showing any of his true feelings.

“Seeing as said individual was set to be sold and leave the compound the next morning I saw it fit to make contact once more in the hope to get some last intel. As I entered the room they had already committed suicide and before I could make my exit I was discovered by a passing guard who concluded I must have done the deed and reacted aggressively. To which I answered accordingly.”

Lying again. He would have been able to get away just fine if he left the moment he saw the blood and shaking body on the floor. Even if he knew he wouldn’t be able to stop the unavoidable he hadn’t wanted them to be alone and afraid in their last moments.

“And you couldn’t have solved the whole affair more diplomatically? And not with returning fire and leaving dead and destruction as you made your exit?”

James just shrugged in a sort of none answer.

“Right, what did I expect. At least we have enough information to take out a big portion of the ring even if the people pulling the strings are now hiding somewhere. But with them thinking you just went too far with their merchandise your cover was technically not blown and we can continue our plan to sent 004 to continue the mission. I guess we can count this mission as salvageable and not as a complete disaster. Go home and take some days off, I would say let medical check you over but we both know you wouldn’t go anyway but at least put some ice on your leg and rest. You are dismissed.”

James really had to stop being so surprised by how competent Mallory could be. The man managed to amaze him to often for his liking. He just made it to easy for James with him looking and acting so unassuming most of the time. Plus there was the issue that he still held the previous M’s in such high regards, always comparing them. 

“That was the plan. If you would excuse me and have a nice night.”

There was only a snort answering him as M waved him out of the room. He couldn’t get home fast enough and had to stop himself from seeming to eager. Because he for once had a home to return to. Not a safe house or the shitty apartment sponsored by MI6, but a real home where he felt safe and could relax. 

Technically it was Q’s home but ever since he had stayed the first night he had never really left the place other than for missions and it had become James’ as well. With their clothes mixed together in the closets, smelling of the same detergent, James’ favorite coffee in the kitchen next to Q’s tea, M’s, the previous one, bulldog sitting in a shelf and all the fluffy blankets Q likes to smolder them into in the evening when he presses his cold feet into James’ lap stacked high on the sofa.

He really wanted to get home. Q would be there, James was sure of it. Once he had found out James was on his way back and how shitty the mission had been he must have taken his personal day to prepare, maybe get some food (James was well aware that Q fell back into bad habits every time he left) and would cuddle up with him on the sofa once he made it through the door. And quite frankly James couldn’t think of anything better than to relax in his boyfriend's arms, drinking tea and complaining about his mission... and telling Q how precious he was, how much he had missed him and that he loved him.

He made it back in record time breathing in relief as he turned his key, the one Q had made for him, and went inside. But instead of the soft warm lights and the sound of Q tipping away on his laptop, he was only greeted by darkness and silence. He waited a few seconds in disbelief desperately hoping that he was wrong and Q was inside even if he knew how desperate and unlikely it was. He slumped against the door slowly sliding to the floor no longer having the energy to keep himself upright. He curled into himself shaking and tearing at his hair trying to keep his emotions under control and keep the screams in.

Q was not here. He was all alone. It was dark and cold. 

A wet touch on his face ripped him out of the state he had fallen into and he blinks the tears from his eyes till he could make out Lady Elise standing with her front paws on his knees and licking his face in greeting. Schrödinger had curled up at his side purring calmly. 

“Hello, my love. Did I wake you?”

They meow in answer and Lady Elise rubbed her cheek against his face trying to get her scent back on him since it had faded fast over the months. At least someone or rather two someones seemed happy he made it back in one piece as they welcomed him home.

He stayed like this for quite a while. On the floor curled up in the dark cuddling the cats, telling them about the mission, how terrible and disgusting it had been, and how he just wanted to go home and how desperately he had missed Q. He could feel his throat size up and more tears escape as he thought about Q and that was it, he couldn’t stay sitting here any longer in self-pity.

He grabbed a quick shower and put a bandage on his foot, which should give enough support to tide him over till he could rest and let it heal. 

“I’m going out my loves. I will find a nice bar to get a drink and come back in an hour or two. Don’t look at me like that. I know Q hates when I do that and that he would have the worried frown if he knew but he is not here. Let’s keep it a secret between us three okay? I just really need it right now.” 

He wandered to the kitchen and got out the cat treats. Technically they couldn’t actually tell Q if he came back before James but preemptive bribery had never hurt before. 

“I just miss him you know. And if I stay here while he is god knows where I would go insane, you understand my darlings? I will try to not overdo it and give you lots of cuddles later.”

Yes, he was talking to the cats. He wasn’t proud of it but Q’s or rather their cats were smart, at least for cats, and he just felt lonely and missed someone he could talk to without having to put on a mask, either that of a criminal or the one of professionalism.

  
  


~*~  
  


He wandered around the neighborhood for a while enjoying the fresh evening air but at some point, his foot reminded him to take it easy and he ventured into a bar. Not one he would usually choose, a bit too simple for his taste and wit to strong student bar vibes but it would do. He didn’t want to drink much anyway, it had been the first habit he had kicked once he had gotten together with Q and quite frankly he didn’t miss it often. He still took a drink here and there for taste but never to the point where he woke up not remembering the previous evening, and why should he, he was happy and content with his life and he would rather remember every single second he spent with Q.

He sat down at the bar ordering...whatever as long as it was strong from the lady behind the bar and took a few sips making a grimace at the bad taste. But he would endure it as long as it got the job done. He let his eyes wander over the other patrons of the bar, still not fully able to shut the part of his brain of who assessed people and searched for danger. He saw some rough looking guys in leather jackets hanging together but their movements were slow and uncoordinated, mostly just muscle with nothing behind it. He could take them with ease. 

He continued to let his gaze wander until it came to a sudden stop on a familiar head of hair. He would recognize this bird's nest anywhere. He couldn’t really help the bright smile on his face as he continued to take in Q. The man had forgone his usual glasses and was dressed far more casual than James was used to but it was still Q. He didn’t know how but Q had once again managed to find him and had come to take him home after a stern talk. 

And Q was alright. The knot inside him which had throbbed painfully all day loosened instantly as he saw his boyfriend alive and well.

He was in the progress of getting up to move over to Q and drab himself over the man in a hug when Q started laughing brightly. James' hyper-focused mind jumped over the scene taking in Q’s relaxed body language, his headed cheeks which suggested he had drunk at least one beer and how casually he was tuned to another man. A man who screamed danger to James like any agent of MI6 did. At least that was what he assumed the man must be. Maybe some work friend Q had made while he had been gone? Maybe Q had been so caught up in chatting that he hadn’t noticed James getting back. 

But that was fine. Being alone had been unpleasant but he was glad Q was happy and had not in fact turned into a lonely hermit in his absence, even if they the way they stood so close together let jealousy flood through his bones. But it was okay. He was still high strung from the mission, easy to overreact, and saw potential dangers everywhere. 

He had sworn once they started their relationship he would give Q the space he needed and not project his issues from lying and worming his life in other people's relationships onto their own. And so far it had worked out fine Q only needing to call him a dick a few tie when he sneered at other people codling up to Q. James had learned to trust Q and to his surprise Q had trusted him in turn despite his flawed history. 

James had become monogamous for Q the moment they started sleeping together even if Q neither demanded nor expected it as it was part of James' work. But James had been happy to do this one thing for Q since the man was giving him everything could ever need making him happier than ever before. He had kept his missions strictly down to flirting and refused to go any further, resorting to knocking his partners out if he had to. And Tanner had done a good job of choosing missions where an approach like that had been possible for which James still owned him a fruit basket or something of the likes.

Not that his new way of living had been noticed by many in MI6 during the years as they still threatened him as a womanizing idiot who let his dick get in the way of his mission. But James didn’t care what they thought, Q was the only one important. And Q had smiled so brightly and with tears in his eyes when he had noticed and that made all the extra effort and struggle it took to complete some missions now worth it.

He would just go over surprise Q and get to know his new friend a win-win situation. But just at that moment, Q leaned into the others' space and James’ breath caught threading what was about to happen but unable to look away. Q’s lips meet the others softly startling him a bit and the man shyly ducked his head but Q only threw him in closer the kiss becoming more intense until they got lost in each other. 

“Hoppala,” James flinched spinning around startled and looking at the women behind the bar with big eyes as her smile froze and she looked at him just as startled. 

“W-what?” his voice was rough and crooked barely able to get the words out.

“...your hand?”

He looked down seeing his glass shattered in his iron grip and some shards must have cut him as the alkohol on the counter was mixed with the bright red of his blood. At least this way the alcohol had already disinfected his cuts, he mused.

“Sorry,” he apologized a bit sheepishly as he was usually above scaring civilians in his downtime and he had to give her credits for not making a big fuss or panicking as she put a rug on the mess. All, while she shot concerned, glanced at his hand.

“You alright there mate?”

“Fine.”

He pulled a glass shard that was still stuck in his skin out and let it drop to the counter inspecting his hand quickly for more glass and concluded he wouldn’t need stitches. Small mercies for skin hard from work and cheap glass. He pressed the bundle of napkin she gave him on the wound to stop the bleeding.

“Bad day?”

“Mmhh...bad months.”

“I get you. Just give me a sec and I will be back with another one for you.”

“Thank you,” James really meant it. He really desperately need another glass, or maybe 10. Whatever it took to make him drunk enough for the pain in his chest to disappear and hopefully forget all about it (he knew he wouldn’t. This would forever be burned in his mind now to revisit whenever he closed his eyes). He just couldn’t wrap his head around it, that Q of all people would betray him like this. Would hurt him like this. 

After all, they had been through. After all, Q had done for him without question. Like leaving the breadcrumbs to Skyfall in the Silver debacle risking his job only on James’ word and that was before they got together. There had always been something between them, a trust since their first banter in the museum. And now Q didn’t even have the balls to break it off with him before getting someone else. Did he really think James wouldn’t find out? He was a bloody agent for fucks sake. 

The worst part was not that Q had found someone else while James had been away, it stung but he knew from the very beginning that he was hard to love and Q deserved way better than a wrung-out agent with issues. From the start, he had expected this to be a time-limited affair until Q found out that keeping James together was no longer something he wanted to do and move on. He had been content with enjoying every minute he got with Q and the man had it made so easy to forget that there was a limit to the whole thing when he smiled at James as if he was the whole world. But even if he sometimes forgot he had know Q would find someone else more deserving of his love who had more to give in return and from the start he had sworn that if it happened he would let Q go with a smile while still staying friends. Q deserved the world and James' happiness was Q’s smile even if it was no longer with him. He would swallow his heartbreak and support Q the best he could. 5 months was a long time and it wasn’t a surprise that Q would search for company while he was gone and apparently he had found it.

The worst part was that Q hadn’t ended it between them. Hadn’t told James about someone catching his interest, about his concerns, or wish to move on. Rather in the short moments where it was safe enough to contact HQ he had acted like always and wished James a save and soon return. Perhaps he had thought it wouldn’t be right to end things over the com while James was on a mission? Did he think James would be so devastated he messed up? He would be right but still, Jame would have preferred it this fucking mess. 

He tipped his glass in one go holding it out to the barmaid to be filled again which she did with a sympathetic smile on her face. He must really look like a fucking mess. You know what he should just go over there and tell bloody Q that if he wanted thinks to be over so badly he should just have said so and that he hoped he was keeping his new boy toy around longer.

James knew he wouldn’t. He couldn’t hurt Q like this even as angry as he was right now. He wasn’t drunk enough yet to forget how desperately he would regret actions like that in the morning. He should leave the bar, go over to Q’s apartment and get his things, say goodbye to Q’s cats because even if he had gotten to love them they were still Q’s and would stay with him. He still had an apartment where he could stay until the next mission. Going back to his old ways. Distracting himself with work. Was that healthy? No way. Would Tanner still agree to it, only to keep him out of bigger trouble? Probably. 

But instead, he stays frozen in his seat unable to look away from the love and tenderness Q has with this mystery man.

He can see them just sitting in front of each other in a boat leaning towards each other, their legs pressed together and Q’s hair touching the others chin as he looks down and oh so carefully takes the hands of the other, cradles it in his before slowly lifting it to his lips and pressing soft kisses to the knuckles. Then he affectionately pressed the man's open palm against his cheek nudging into it with his eyes closed and a content smile on his face. He looked so soft and happy and James could feel a heaviness in his chest while watching it. He couldn’t remember Q ever looking like that while he was with him. Sure he had been happy, with bright eyes full of amusement or a content sigh on his lips as he cuddled under James’ chin. But he had never looked so openly affectionate. And that had been fine, James knew Q wasn’t really a people person and was happy for how much Q still tried and he was affectionate enough for both of them and Q never refused is touch and that was enough for James. Or at least it had been enough till he knew that Q was able to look like that just from holding someone's hand. It made him think if it hadn’t been Q just being a bit antisocial but James not been good enough to make him this happy, that he had been insufficient.

It was never good if he thought while he was still in a bad place. The main reason why he had taken to drinking really. But he couldn’t help it as it was the only thing besides Q which could stop the dark thoughts. And Q was over there with someone else so James picked up his glass again and took a healthy sip of the burning liquid. He knew that this wasn’t a good coping mechanism and that it would only hurt him in the long run but he preferred the short numb bliss over the reality he faced.

Now the mystery man slowly looked around as if he had to reassure himself that it was safe assessing the other patrons just like James had before but James was not a 00 for nothing so he quickly ducked back into his drink playing nonchalant and the gaze just passed over him. He counted to 5 to make sure it was really safe before looking back up. The stranger had used that time to slowly make his way to the other bench so he was sitting next to Q looking a bit hesitant before ever so slowly reaching out projecting his every movement to give Q time to move away and carefully laid his arm around Q and guided him closer till he was leaning against the other's chest holding him like he was precious with wonder in his eye.

James had to look away. He wished the man was a jerk so he would have an excuse to hate him. But the way he held Q, how he clearly loves and treasures him made it impossible for James to despise the man. Because he had always longed to do just that to Q, to hold and cherish. The man was so shy in his affection, almost innocent. So different from James who only knew how to please. Had he ever done something like that for Q? Conveyed his feelings so purely? Or had he just always thought pleasure would be enough?

Because Q deserves more than just pleasure even if he enjoyed it. He deserved a young innocent lover full of wonder. Something James hadn’t been able to give him, his heart already too damaged for it. This man would be good to Q. More than James could ever wish to be. They deserve each other. Deserved to be happy. James had had so many chances in life and he had thrown them all away over the years and relationships. It was no one's fault but his. He was not made for something to last to be good enough to keep someone at his site. He had gotten used to it over the years, had accepted his reality before Q had come along and turned everything upside down. He could go back to how things were before Q The sooner he got used to the new norm the sooner the pain in his chest would stop.

He swept over his eyes clearing away the wetness. He was getting old and his eyes just weren’t used to the dim light of the bar anymore making them tear up. He was fine. 

But just for tonight, he would include in what could have been. If only he had been less of a coward, had used his words probably, Hadn’t been too afraid to chain Q down and drag him down in the endless darkness with him, had said I love you even once when Q could hear him instead of whispering them against sleeping lips or muffled them in Q’s collarbone. 

He took another swing of his beverage noticing the bowl of peanuts placed next to it and when he looked up he caught the eyes of the barmaid who winked at him before she continued to talk with another customer. He took one biting into it and chewing way more extensively than a small snack as this required, But it was a welcomed excuse to keep his eyes away from the pair and on the alcohol for a moment. The taste reminded him of the Chinese take out he often took to Q branch to make sure Q eat anything besides tea and the occasional biscuit. He knew all the best places around MI6 so the food would still be hot when he got it to Q and what Q liked and what he didn’t like. He always made sure to get his hand on Q’s schedule, thanks to Tanner, to know when he would have to force-feed Q so the man didn’t collapse because he forgot eating. 

He wondered if the stranger did this now? If the man was the reason for the healthy glow Q had now?

If he stood in the kitchen on a late Sunday morning making all of Q’s favorite breakfast food and feed the cats so they could eat in peace once Q was done showering. If he prepared dinner when he got home earlier so Q had a warm meal when he came back.

Home.

Guess James didn’t have that anymore now. He had lost it again just like he had lost Skyfall. And just like back then, he would have to get over it.

Q’s loud cheerful laugh pulled him right out of his musing as he had never before heard the man so carefree. He had chuckled, snorted, giggled and snickered but never like this. And This was the final nail in the coffin which was James’ heart. What good was he if he had never managed to cox such emotions out of Q in years when this man could do it so easily in under 5 months - at least he thought it could have only started after he left for the mission, he would have noticed before.

Q had dragged his partner up and into some free space as the music had picked up and was now dancing without any restrains his body moving fluently to the music his hips rolling seductively. His partner was way less confidant and moved shyly with small movement sticking close to Q will his cheeks colored as people began to look at them. But even with him not being at ease, he tried for Q.

And then the music changed to something slower, fuller and as the love ballad started to play the man pulled Q close so that were pressed together. First swaying slightly before starting their easy spins in a beautiful Walz. They became lost in their own little world blending out the dinghy bar and other patrons out and just held each other close and then the man pressed a tender kiss to Q’s temple before whispering something in his ear which made Q sign in happiness.

James had enough. He placed a few 20-pound notes on the counter, way too much but the lady deserved it for putting up with him and got up on his feet swaying in place.

“Wow. Slow down, mate. Take it easy. You drunk quite a lot. Anyone I can call to take you home, dear?”

And James just smiled at her sadly while his chest sizes. In another life, he would have no problem sleeping with her and forgetting his worries for a few hours as he had a warm body resting next to him. But in this life, he just couldn’t bring himself to do it. He didn’t want anyone who wasn’t Q. And wasn’t that pathetic. 

“I’m afraid I don’t have either of those anymore. Have a nice night.”

And with this, he nodded his goodbye to the nice lady behind the counter and left the place shivering when he stepped in the drizzle outside which soaked his hair and clothes. Still, he prompted for walking instead of calling a taxi. It would do him good to clear his head and exhaust him so he could curl up and sleep.

  
  


~*~

  
  


He had to break into the flat through the window as he no longer had the key. Or rather the key was someplace in Q’s flat he put it and then promptly forgotten about it. And why shouldn’t he, he hadn’t had any need for it for nearly two and a half years. Now that he thought about it it would have been their anniversary soon.

Fuck.

He gracelessly fell through the window as his numb cold fingers failed him and landed with a thug on the floor the pain not really realizing under all the shivering. He hoped he or six had paid the water bill for the place as he closed the window behind himself, not bothering to clean up the water he left on the floor and the rain that had come in. This wasn’t his home after all. He should perhaps care a bit more seeing as he would stay here for the unforeseen future but he just couldn’t get himself to feel anything when looking at the mess. 

He limped to the bathroom, his foot screaming in pain, leaving more puddles in his wake, and to his relive the water was warm. Getting a cold would have interfered terribly with his plans to drown himself in work.

The water was almost smoldering his skin as he had put it as hot as it could go but he couldn’t bring himself to care about it either. it was almost nice. Feeling something besides the emptiness inside of him. 

He hadn’t bothered with bringing clothes so he wandered back out leaving even more water on the ground as up to the safe in the wand where he pulled out a duffle back. It had all the essentials from a spare weapon, over a change of clothes, and real and false passports for him and Q. Guess he didn’t need these anymore. 

He rubbed himself dry with a shirt before putting back on clothes as he shivered. The place had hot water but as the place had been empty for quite a while it was freezing without the heating system being turned on. Not to speak of all the dusk and spider webs everywhere. But James was fine with that. He had slept in way worse places. He pulled out another west in hope of getting something to use as a makeshift blanket and his breath caught when he noticed the soft material of one of Q’s cardigans.

Q had cursed so much when it went ‘missing’ and James had to buy him three new monstrosities so he calmed down. But they had needed an escape plan and he had wished for Q to have something comforting if they would ever have to use it. Now that this would never be the case he felt bad for taking it without asking

He should probably give it back when he broke into Q’s flat to get his stuff. Maybe wash it before, it had been sitting in there for quite a while after all. H pressed his nose into the fabric to test how bad the smell was and his breath caught as he was assaulted by the smell of home. The washing powder they used mixed with Q’s deodorant and natural scent. There even were cat hairs on it. 

James stumbled to the old mattress on the floor before his legs gave out and he curled around the sweater pressing his nose in it and breathing in as deeply as he could and let the tears run down his face. 

He must have fallen asleep like this because the next thing he knew was him pointing the spare weapon at the door his heart racing and the adrenalin battling away the last drowsiness of sleep and alcohol as the key was turned. Who was stupid enough to break in somewhere using the front door? No spy or assassin worth their money that's who.

Maybe it was the building manager checking in at the place after there had been activity after such a long time? But usually, MI6 chooses their safe houses a lot better with a bit more discreetly. You never knew when you had to use places like this to make people talk (he knew that this was technically not a safe house but the rules still applied).

He followed the entering form with his gun trying to make out features in the dark when they just flicked the light switch blinding him momentarily. Maybe his head wasn’t that clear after all if they got the jump on him like that. He blinked to clear his vision and looked into the wide eyes of Q, hidden behind glasses again. 

He just starred because what was Q doing here, till Q raised an eyebrow and James fumbled to put his gun away. He couldn’t believe he had held Q at gunpoint. This hadn't happened since two months into their relationship when he had gotten so used to Q that the man didn’t register anymore as a danger even after a nightmare. 

“I see we are back to being trigger happy again.” 

“What are you doing here?”

Q huffed in the sassy put upon way which told James that he was actually really pissed but tried to hold his tongue.

“Oh geez, I dunno? Maybe get the bloody idiot who thought vanishing after drinking himself stupid was a good idea?”

James winced. Q must be pretty angry if he lashed out like this. He must have noticed James watching him and his mysterious new lover like a peeping tom. But how should James have known that he would stumble over them just like this? It was not as if Q had warned him or anything. No ‘I have someone new please leave us alone’.

“That’s not of your concern.”

James was bitter but he still tried to get Q to leave without starting a fight. Q was happy with his new lover. He should go back to them and continue to enjoy his night and not worry about his ex.

“Not of my concern? NOT OF MY CONCERN?! You listen here you little shit. I don’t know what happened on this bloody mission that has you so twisted up but you can’t just fuck of to drink and hide. You promised we would talk!”

“Oh like you talked to ME?!”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“You know what I mean?”

Yes, James knew he sounded like a 5-year-old but fuck, he was still slightly drunk, bitter and hurt and his plan to just let Q go had failed. He just wanted to lash out at something, someone, anyone as long as it filled the void. And anger did such a good job at that.

“No in fact I don’t  _ James _ may you enlighten me what terrific deed I have committed.”

“Really you want me to spell it out for you?”

“Yes in fact I want you to. Go one and tell me why you are throwing such a temper tantrum. Is it because I wasn’t there the instant you arrived. I’m sorry to inform you I also have a life outside of you and can not always jump to your heel whenever you wish.”

“I know,” he had wanted it to be harsh, accusing even, because this right there was the problem, after all, Q having a life and being perfectly fine without James. It just came out bitter and resigned. 

Q founded a bit confused clearly not having expected the answer.

“Okaaaaay. So you are aware you are unreasonable.”

“I’m not  _ unreasonable _ ,” James spit out because really did Q have to rub it in like that. Pretend it was no big deal and James was overreacting? Did he have fun being so cruel?

“Hate to break it to you darling, but you are.”

“Don’t call me that.”

“What Darling?” James bared his teeth at him as he said it again in a feral gesture of rage. How dare him! How dare he came here to the place where James had fled to lick his wounds just to remind him over and over of what he had lost. He could handle being left alone, rejection even but this, this unnecessary harshness was just too much.

“Really this is your big problem? Me using a pet name? The one I used for I dunno nearly two years? And suddenly you lose your shit over it. Have you gone insane? Are you even aware of what you are doing?”

“Getting space,” James spit as he got his duffle back and stuffed his gun inside deliberately kicking Q’s now snot smeared cardigan to the site and throwing Q’s passport and replacement glasses down with them.

“I mean are you really aware of what you are doing right now? Absolutely sure? You are throwing everything away. Us away? Because of what? A mission goes wrong?”

James stiffed as imagines, he so strongly fought to keep buried came back up, the blood, the weight in his arms, the raspy voice getting thinner and thinner, the stopping pulse under his fingers.

“That's it? You blew the mission?”

“I  _ didn’t _ .”

Q tilted his head to the side mustering him for a while and James bristled, well aware what he must have heard, everyone was gossiping about it after all. The great James Bond has messed up again and the whole mission went up in smoke because of him. And the only person he had always been able to count on to be on his side and have his back, even if he caused lots of property damage, was now also one of them.

“I guess you didn’t, after all. I will have a talk with R about it. So now that this is settled can you please get our temper in check. You are overreacting just because some people talk shit behind your back.”

Q’s voice softened and James bristles because this was the tone he had when he would say something difficult or hard which he knew James wouldn’t like but would still say it because he thought it would be better in the long run. 

“Maybe now would be a good time for what we have talked about before? You know, you staying in London permanently.”

They had, what seemed like so long ago, made plans like this, James retiring to spend his time in London permanently. And back then he had actually been quite excited in the prospect of never being oceans away from Q. But then the next mission came and James had pushed it back.

“I don’t need retirement. Staying in London is actually the exact opposite of what I need,” he spat out bitter that Q would use their private talk they had in bed cuddled up in each other's arm against him in this situation. He had trusted him. And for what? To get him out of MI6 and keep him away from his new boyfriend while minimizing contact between them? Quite a brilliant plan actually.

“I can’t believe this. You are really doing this? Ending everything. Just like that? Throwing it away. Leaving me?”

Suddenly Q sounded small and hurt and normally James would back down, take Q in his arms and reassure him he would never leave him as long as Q would have him. But this wasn’t normal and James was fuming with rage. Did Q really have to put on such a show after what he did? James would just have left and let him get on with his life and love with minimal fuss. But Q had to come here and twist it all around making James the bad guy in the situation, poking and prodding where it hurt and really rub it in and James wouldn’t stand for it. He was a trained killer. He knew how to defend himself and how to land a kill shot.

“ME? SO I’M ENDING THINGS NOW? IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE SAYING? BECAUSE I’M THE BAD GUY! THE PLAYER, THE UNFAITHFUL ONE. THE ONE WHO CAN NEVER MAKE A RELATIONSHIP WORK? I hate to break it to YOU  _ darling  _ but usually, the one turning a relationship in a FUCKING trainwreck is the cheating bastard and for once in my FUCKING MISERABLE LIFE THAT HASN’T BEEN ME.”

“WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? I would nev-”

“Sure like you would never meet someone in a bar and kiss them, being all touchy with each other? You freaking waltzed together. I SAW YOU!”

“You what? James, that can’t be right I wasn’t even-”

“Shove it. I don’t wanna hear your excuses. I’m done.”

He was about to push past Q to get to the door, he could be civilized, thank you very much when a hard grip on his wrist stopped him and the hair on his neck stood up, the balled fist at his side shaking violently. It would be so easy to grab the offending hand and twist it until there would be a satisfying crack and he could barely hold himself back.

“You saw  _ me _ ? Are you sure?”

“Let go of me or I will shatter your bones Quartermaster.” James hissed. 

“Then do it.”

“What?”

“Break it,” Q stared him down and shook his hand a bit in a go one with it gesture and James just deflated all his anger vanishing and leaving behind a bone-deep weariness. Because he didn’t actually want to hurt Q, never did, he was just so sad and angry and wanted to be left alone to mourn. And now Q wanted him to break his hand. HIS HAND. The man loves his hands, he needed them for everything he loved after all, programming, tinkering, making tea, playing with James’ hair. And he had said it so easily. Like he would just accept it if it was the prize for James staying. As if James could be worth the pain.

James just slumped together, the duffle sliding down his shoulder and thumping on the floor as he swayed forward into Q’s arms which caught him and drew him close till his head was resting on Q’s shoulder.

“There you are, my love. Much better. You are doing great.” Q rocked them slightly while his hand found his way into James’ hair and started to massage his skull. 

“It’s alright you are fine, shh it’s okay,” James only registered he was shaking when Q tried to calm him. His reassurance got lost in a heavy sob and all attempts to stop it just made him sob harder to the point where his chest started to get heavy and he barely got any air.

Unable to hold James’ weight and James no longer contributing himself Q let them slowly sink to the floor cradling James close rubbing his back and letting him cry. It was quite embarrassing on James' part to cling close and let his emotions out like this but he couldn’t help himself. The day had been hard, the worst actually, he was just so done with it all and he had wanted was cuddling with Q ever since he had made it out alive and stepped on the plane. If this was the last time he would ever get to do this he would make the most of it.

It took a long time before he exhausted himself, his body heavy and now that the alkohol was out of his system he felt all the aches and pain coming back tenfold with the addition of burning eyes and a swollen throat. 

“S...so...ry.” his voice was scratchy and he coughed. Q leaned over to the duffle jolting James a bit and rummaged through it till he found the unopened water bottle, uncapped it with one hand, and gave it to James who thankfully started gulping the water down.

“Let me explain.”

“It’s fine. You don’t have to.”

“I want to! Just come home. Please. Staying here is not good for you.”

And James was done fighting. He was just so exhausted and tired and lonely. He missed home and the cats. And he just wanted Q to never let go.

So he let Q coax him to his feet after grabbing the duffle and stuffed everything in it and then followed him to the car waiting outside. It was one of the generic MI6 ones. Q got him in the passenger seat and fasten the seatbelt and stroke through his hair as he got back up. He took out his phone tipping something before getting in the driver's seat, maybe a message to Tanner ‘got the wayward agent’ or something.

The drive was spent in silence as James looked out the window between stealing quick glazes at Q while the man was focused on the street switching between impatiens and wanting to draw out the drive. 

They arrived and Q took his hand leading him up to their apartment. 

The apartment which had lights one shining through the crack under the door.

James felt the urge to defend them against whoever was in  _ their... _ in Q’s apartment but Q just turned the duffle and therefor gun to be out of easy reach and marched forward with confidence as if he knew who it was...as he probably did. 

Q let them inside and they were greeted by the cats which excitedly moved around Q’s and James’ legs showing that they were clearly dissatisfied with their humans leaving them. Q must have been out for at least a few hours searching for him if they acted this way. 

He stepped past the kitchen and into the living room freezing when he saw the mystery man from the bar standing there a bit awkwardly in the middle of the room his mind going in high alert at the stranger being in _ their _ home, invading _ their  _ spa-...

Q’s flat. Where Q got to decide who to invite and who doesn’t and James had no saying. And Q had decided to invite his new boyfriend.

James stumbled back a step still caught off guard his mind reeling as he spun around only to stop and turn back a bit so his back was against the wall and he had his eyes on the stranger. He was looking for the best way to flee without letting himself open for attacks his eyes panicky jumping around taking in the kitchen counter as potential hiding spot with easy access to a weapon when Q stepped closer.

“James?” He put his hand on James' shoulder and he flinched edging away from the touch, his wide eyes flickering to Q in betrayal. He had let his guard down and Q had brought him here inside a safe space only to have it be invited by this stranger. 

As Q took a step in his direction he stepped to the side further away which only brought him closer to the man standing in the living room. Who helpfully raised his hands in a shushing gesture and ALSO stepped closer. They were slowly caging him in, cutting off his escape routes. With Q blocking the front door and kitchen and the man blocking most of the living room and therefore entrance to the bedroom this only left straight ahead past the second kitchen entry and out the window. He could jump. It would hurt but if he timed it right and landed on the fire escape one floor down he should be fine. 

He shot forward getting a startled scream from Q and ducked under the man's hands which were just a moment too slow to do more than brush against him. He was just about to reach the window when someone stepped out of the second kitchen entry colliding with James. He had the potential thread pinned against the wall and in a chokehold the next heartbeat before blinking and staring at Q.

He blinked again. Since when was Q so fast? The kitchen had the table blocking the path he shouldn’t have been able to be faster than James in a straight line. 

“James!”

His head whirled around at the exclamation and he stared at Q. He turned back to the pinned man but there was still Q. He turned back to the living room - also Q. 

He looked between them in confusion. The one in the living room had had glasses and the cardigan he knew so well and a shocked panicked expression. The one in front of him had the same birds nest, which made James want to run his fingers through it but had no glasses and way more stylish clothes, the same clothes as Q had worn in the bar. This one looked at him with fear and a bit of anger trying, hopelessly to push him off. 

There were two Q’s one looking like the one from the bar where he kissed the stranger and the other who looked just like his Q. Had Q finally lost it and made a robot version of himself to get work done faster? But this one felt alive under his hands the pulse race just as the other had been when he had held James. He stepped back slowly losing his grip still looking between them

“DANNY”

He was pushed to the side be the stranger as he worriedly got to the Q which Bond had pinned examining his neck and positioning himself between Q, or perhaps Danny and James in a fighting stance.

James should feel hurt by this show of protectiveness and affection but he felt mostly confused.

The other Q, who looked like his Q stepped closer to him slowly and carefully and when he didn’t tock of running took his hand and tugged him away from the other two moving him to the sofa and putting Miss Elise on his lap so he couldn’t get up. She got very scratchy when she was removed rudely against her will.

“James?”

His eyes flickered away from the stranger tenderly holding the other Q in his arms and pressing soft kisses to his hair and to the Q next to him.

“Okay?”

James just shrugged. He didn’t know if he was okay. 

“This is not how I imagined this going. This if Danny my insufferable twin brother. And next to him is his boyfriend Alex.”

Alex nodded awkwardly in James' direction while Danny just rubbed his neck and glared at James.

“Brother?”

“Brother,” Q nodded.

“He is your brother.”

“Yes? I said that. Everything all right?”

“I choked your brother,” James was in disbelieve. 

“Yeah, and he will be a bit cross about that with you until you buy him a few drinks.”

“They were in the bar.”

“Yes, they were. Usually, we don’t go to the places they favor so we never run into them before.”

“You didn’t find someone else.”

Q looked offended at that, his lips pulling into a sneer.

“Yes, I didn’t. Like I told you. I wouldn’t do that to you.”

James didn’t know what to believe. This sounded too good to be true. He had thought he had lost everything, the most important person in his life only to find out that all of it had been a misunderstanding. How cliche. It was the evil twin brother or in this case not evil but just a regular twin brother. Q had never betrayed him and was still his -or maybe not after the stunts he had pulled this night. Looking back at everything that happened with this new perspective he could clearly see how badly he had messed up. He had come back from the mission emotional and high strung and everything had gone downhill.

He had been to twitchy when Q wasn’t home when in fact he should just have waited for him to return and keep wight of his angle. But he hadn't and had decided to go to a bar even when he knew Q would be disappointed. But he still went. And there he had misunderstood everything and instead of walking over and talking like a grown-up, and finding out this was not Q, he had sulked of into hiding dramatically. God, Q had come for him worried after he disappeared after a long undercover mission and he had thrown all these insults in his face when he had just wanted to help James. FUCK. He had threatened to break Q’s hand. Only to break into tears after and then when Q had finally gotten him back to his flat he had tried to leap out the bloody window and ended up choking said brother.

He could very easily understand if Q would finally drop him now. He hadn’t deserved any of that, none of them did actually. He had probably ruined a very nice evening for Danny and Alex. And all because he couldn’t keep his emotions in check.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered shocked, staring at his hands.

  
  


“I’m sure Danny appreciates it. And it is also my fault for startling you by just dropping this on you when you were still coming down from a mission.”

“No.”

“No?” Q sounded very confused now.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for not trusting you, for hurting you, for everything. I-I ...your hand ...I nearly...god why- I would never...”

“Shh, it is alright. Calm down. That was the mission talking, not you. I knew you would never hurt me like that.”

He got his arm around James again but James just couldn’t relax fully with the other people in the room staring at them. He tried but he just couldn’t catch up with keeping them in his peripheral vision ready to react if...they did something. He was aware they weren’t a danger but the logical part of his brain was still not able to win over his instinct.

“Okay, this is clearly not working.”

Q finally got it. He realized what danger he had been in and would continue to be exposed to if he put up with James any longer. James’ presence was not worth it and that he should move on.

“Danny, Alex thank you both for coming on such short notice but could you give us some privacy now?"

"Seriously you are kicking us out just like that? After everything"

"Yes precisely. So If you could please be so kind.”

Danny crossed his arms clearly unimpressed by being ordered around like this but Q stood his ground.

“You know I can get into your phone and I’m sure they're some things you don’t want others to see. Let’s say some pictures of Alex over there, in a bit compromise position.”

“You wouldn’t.”

“Mhh depends. How fast can you be out of here?”

“Fuck you!” Danny snatched Alex's hand pulling the man behind him and glared furiously at Q as if that could stop Q from doing his tech magic. It ceased to be amusing the moment Danny took a step forward his body language screaming of aggression. James tensed and got ready to lung the moment Danny got in reach of Q. Luckily for him, Danny got stopped quickly by Alex who now placed himself between his boyfriend and the agitated agent.

“Not a good time Danny.”

Danny huffed and puffed in return but let himself be guided out by Alex. The moment the door closed behind them James fell again Q’s shoulder tiredly.

“I’m also sorry. It is also my fault for never talking about my family and therefore leaving you to be shocked like that. If I mentioned I had a brother before there wouldn’t have been such a big misunderstanding.”

“It is not your fault. I jumped to conclusion when I should have trusted you. You have always trusted me no matter what and the first moment something unforeseen happens I lose it. That's not fair. I would understand if this finally proves too much.”

Q stared at him with a frown trying to decipher what he meant

“For the love of fuck, James. Really? This is what you take from this? That we should break up? Why is this always the first thing that comes to your mind? Something goes wrong and you want to end this. Is this really worth so little to you? Is this not worth fighting for?”

“It’s the opposite. You are worth way too much. I don’t deserve this.”

“Oh, bloody hell. Can you stop being such an idiot talking about what you deserve and whom not? First of all, it is pretty pretentious to decide for me over my head what is best for me. Secondly, you need to stop always making yourself small. You matter. In fact, you matter very very much.”

James just hummed in disbelieve. 

“James I dunno who hurt you like this to think so bad of yourself but whatever they said or did they were wrong. You are precious. The most precious thing I ever had. I would give up my career, my hands, and even my life in a heartbeat if it means you are safe.”

James looked at him in disbelieve, searching for the catch, the glint of a lie but there was only sincerity. No one had ever said something like this and meant it. He curled against Q pressing his nose in the other's neck, smelling the shampoo, and felt happy for the first time ever since he was sent on the bloody mission.

“James?” He hummed in answer. “You said I deserved better. What did you mean?”

James shuffled around uncomfortable feeling a bit stupid after Q’s confession and unwilling to bother Q with the issue. But he was done with hiding and burying his feelings inside

“I knew who I’m. I have a bad reputation and some of it for a reason. I'm not easy to be with. I’m old and I have lots of baggage. You are still so young and have so much ahead of you. You shouldn’t waste your life on me. I always knew that someone better was out there for you. It is why Iso easily accepted you being with someone else or rather accepting Danny with Alex. I never wanted to hold you back.”

He felt a wetness on his ear and as he looked up he saw tears streaming down Q’s face. He panicked, sat up, and took Q’s face in his swiping away the tracks with his thumbs and brushing a soft hopefully comforting kiss to Q’S forehead.

“Do you love me, James,” Q hiccuped.

If James kept up with the status quo he would change topics now or give a none answer leaving Q free and unbound but he was done with lying to Q and himself. He was just so done with pretending.

“Yes.”

Q’s breath hitched and his voice shook.

“Do you want me to be happy? Would do anything for it?”

“Yes, I would.”

“Then, please. Stay with me. Forever. I can’t be happy without you so you have to come back to me, always, okay?”

He wanted to make a joke ‘well that almost sounds like you wanna marry me’ just to cut the tension. Because this was big. There was no coming back and what if he made the wrong decision and in a few years Q would be miserable.

“Are you sure?”

“Absolutely.”

“Then I will. Always. For you.”

Q smiled softly as he leaned forward kissing James softly. 

“So now that this is cleared up let’s look at whatever wound you are hiding and then get you set up in bed so we can cuddle.”

He wordlessly stretched out his leg and Q sank down on the floor before him and took off his shoe, shock, and makeshift binding to gasp as he saw the state his foot was in, clearly having disagreed with all the exercise James had put it through.

“What were you thinking walking on this?!”

“It didn’t hurt”

“It didn’t hurt? Stop acting taff, there is no bloody way it didn’t hurt...you are serious. You really didn’t feel it.”

“Mhh.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“It is not your fault.”

“I can still be sorry for bad things happening to you.”

He carefully threatened the wound and offered James his shoulder as they made their way over to the bed and insisted on helping James undress.

Then he was finally where he had wanted to be for such a long time resting in Q’s arm in their bad just cuddled together and he was finally able to fully let go and sleep calmly.

  
  


~*~

  
  


“Where are we even going?”

“You will see.”

James just huffed a bit uncomfortable with being in the dark and unable to assess if Q was in danger.

“You know normally it is I who drags you away to god knows where. Plus I had tickets for the movie you wanted to watch since they announced the production last year and restaurant reservations for tonight.”

He huffed in out upon annoyance but leaned against the passenger side window of his own Aston Martin(wich Q had gifted him last year after repairing it for their anniversary) and watched London pass in the light of dawn. In fact, he wasn’t sorry at all that they missed their movie but actually quite excited what Q had planned. Q normally wasn’t that big on celebrating and would probably forget anniversaries all together if he hadn’t written a program which reminded him in set intervals so he had enough time to get a present and take the day off in time. James would usually be the one who made plans for them ranging from a romantic candlelight dinner at home and essential oils and rose petals in the bathtub (cliche but Q had liked it nevertheless) or getting tickets for a big exhibition on the newest trends in Cyber Security with all big names of the industry present. He hadn’t understood a single word but it had been worth it just to have Q look around with bright eyes as he dragged James around.

Now that he thought about it, it was kinda suspicious for two people who rarely took time off always end up taking the same days. Like for their anniversary, Q’s and James’ birthdays and the one vocation James demands Q took to relax. It didn’t boat well for MI6, an organization of espionage and information gathering that no one except Tanner had put two and two together yet. And perhaps M, but he found out in the aftermath of the mission debacle as the Quartermaster returned after originally taking the day off and used all the resources to find an agent which wasn’t even on duty. 

They were clearly driving away from big cities and into the countryside, which James was very surprised about. Q liked being someplace with a stable internet connection and civilization. It was actually very sweet that he included James like this who loved nature and hiking to just relax and let go.

The made one stop for gas and eat the late breakfast Q had gotten from the cafe around the corner they frequented because of their delicious tea and muffins and the fact that they didn’t give them any weird stares when they sat to close, feed each other or stole a quick kiss.

They continued driving and James recognized some of the city names they passed.

“Scotland?”

“Mhh”

“Why Q, you are too good for me. If you continue like this I will really end up pampered.”

“Wouldn’t that be great.”

Q huffed in found amusement. Ever since the talk in their flat Q had begun to especially nice to James, not to coddle him or because he felt obligated but just because he wanted to spoil him a bit and show how much he was loved. When James complained that he didn’t need it and was going soft because of it Q had just smiled proudly and said that he liked him becoming soft, and that then maybe he would finally accept that it was alright to have nice things for himself. James had just huffed in disbelieve but he had to admit that it was starting to work.

Not that the beginning had been easy. He had bristled and even refused most of the gift suspicious of what they meant. Always suspecting an ulterior motive, demanding it unnecessary or getting self-conscious. It had taken a few weeks before he stopped giving back gifts and was able to accept any of the nice gestures Q did for him without either being obviously uncomfortable or plainly fleeing.

And it hadn’t even been anything big. Just small insignificant stuff like he had done for Q regularly for years. Like he had brought Q tea and already bite-sized cut pieces of food when he got busy with coding, Q had taken to get him ingredients and food he liked sometimes even ordering it online like his tea. When James brought him a mug to bed in the early morning when he was up early Q drew him back into it to cuddle before he went on his morning run. He had made a subscription to gun, car, and fashion magazines James liked to read in his free time and they were always placed on the new sofa in Q branch so James had something to do when he came to be around Q during the day. 

He had had a lot of free time since M had placed him on paid leave for at least two months until he was back on top of his game. He still refused to speak with the psychologist to no one's surprise but M had just taken to call upon Q once a week to ask if he and James were talking and then just hum pleased when the answer was yes but leaving them their privacy.

Tanner not so subtle had left a big stack of pamphlets and print outs of options James had if he didn’t want to go into the field anymore or limit his time away on their doorsteps one day and James didn’t go through them yet but he kept them safely stashed away in a box. it wasn’t time yet for at least another four years but it was good to know that there were options. 

R hadn’t given him any more trouble ever since still looking between them suspiciously but she accepted the friendship her boss and her most hated agent seemed to share. 

They had met up with Danny and Alex once when he was calmer to clear the air and Q and Danny had started bickering and thrown insults at each other after one hour until they had to be dragged away from each other by force. Which was actually a very good explanation of why Q never mentioned his brother. The loved each other but only if there were at least two streets between them and they didn’t have to talk. James was actually quite curious about how family Christmas would look like under these circumstances now that Q couldn’t hide at work with James anymore like he did the past years. M had already made it clear that besides world war 3 breaking out both of them better didn’t even think of coming in.

So all in all things had been good. Very good in fact. And he just started to let his guard down no longer expecting the other shoe to drop and break this peace.

The farther they drove the more familiar everything around him became. How couldn’t it? These were the sight of his childhood after all. The wide meager valley kissed by mountains on either side with the twisting river and the small street next to it. The fog disturbing his vision didn’t make it unrecognizable. 

The stones were soon replaced by wood as they continue to drive and James unease rose. His fingers turned white where he held onto the seat belt to stop himself from just fleeing, opening the door and jumping out of it. Q couldn’t be serious. He wouldn’t bring him there. Maybe they were just visiting Kincade to spend a few nice days with him and relax in the wilderness before driving back home.

“Q,” he looked at his partner with wide panicked eyes as the turned onto the unpaved street which would only lead to a single place. He couldn’t go back there. He just couldn’t. He hadn’t been there since M, his M. There was nothing left but ruins. He just couldn’t. He couldn’t see the place like that.

“S-stop. Q. Please. Stop!”

“It’s alright. Just trust me. It’s okay.”

Everything was pretty much not okay as they continued and he began to catch a glance of the old stones of the wall through the trees. He should run. He had jumped out of way faster cars. But Q had a hand on his legs and it held him in place more effective than shackles could ever do.

He could feel the car turn and drive through where he remembered the gate with the deer and the nameplate being, then the shift as the road tilted downwards to the lake and what must be left of his childhood home. Only two more turns and they came to a stop.

He heard the driver side door open and close and then felt the crisp air as his own door was opened

“It’s okay love. You can open your eyes.”

James just shook his head stubbornly continued to press his eyes closed from the moment he saw the first stones. It was stupid like a child, thinking just because he couldn’t see it, it wasn’t there. He felt warm hands cradle his face, turning it outside and a soft kiss against his nose.

“Please. Have faith in me. Open your eyes.”

And just like he had never been able to deny Q anything before he opened his eyes blinking against the afternoon soon and looked at Q’s face in front of him. He looked beautiful with the light behind him like a halo, the gentle smile on his face and the love in his eyes. James' own personal angle, his salvation from the darkness inside. 

Careful hands coaxed him out of the car and to his feet, his eyes never leaving Q’s face ignoring everything else besides it. Q lifted his hand and pressed a kiss to the back of it before letting it rest between them and turn. And James really didn’t want to, feared what he would see, the charred reminds of his ordinary life. But he couldn’t help himself as he saw the concerned but also excited look on Q’s face.

He turned.

The air left his lungs and he must crush Q’s fingers with how strong he held onto them but the other man wasn’t complaining. 

“Q-q.”

“Happy 3rd anniversary James.”

James shuddered and stared at the building in front of him. It was just like he remembered but also different. The lodge stood massive and whole before them. The stones once dirtied by age were shining, the roof tiles free of moss, the rain gutter was free of rust, the characteristic chimineas polished and the paint of the door and windows didn’t peel but looked new instead. The windows were another thing. Before there were only 5 big windows and 6 small slits at the front leaving the inside dark at times. Now they were more of them and they were bigger. Even one for the attic and they still kept with the theme fitting perfectly into the building. He could only imagine how bright it must be inside now.

“The windows…”

“Reinforced glass with a reflecting alloy, heat isolation, and connected to the main security frame.”

“You put a security system in.”

Q shuffled nervously and so, unlike his usual self.

“I did. I know it was pretty preposterous of me to just rebuild it but I wanted to do something nice as a surprise for you. And before you ask this is not my way of responding to the debacle which was the last mission. I started this way earlier, you being gone so long just moved up the schedule because I had so much time to fill. In fact, I wasn’t there when you arrived in London because I was here finishing discussions with the building crew and started putting some security measures in I didn’t trust anyone besides us to know about.”

“You rebuild it for me?”

“Well, obviously I rebuild it for you...us if you want. It is just, our flat is kinda small, not that I mind, I love having you close but your retirement is getting nearer and I thought about leaving some more responsibilities to R now that the branch is up to date to have more time to spend at home. And perhaps we won’t mind now but you will have to get a hobby to keep you occupied and at some point, we will want something with a bit more room. And if we are moving anywhere I thought why not make it a place with meaning. Or it could just be a weekend home to relax and hike if you want it rather that way.”

“You would move in there with me?”

“If you ask.”

“I do.”

“Yes, then I will move here with you.”

“But you hate it here.”

“First of all, I hate how badly connected it is, and believe me I fixed that, secondly I could never hate it here, not as longs as you are here with me. And I must admit spending our time here later wouldn’t be so bad.”

James smiled brightly and leaned closer pressing a kiss to Q’s lips.

“Thank you Q”

“You’re welcome. Let’s check out the inside before you turn any mushier. It is still empty except some basics like stairs and fireplaces but that leaves us only more room to decorate and cat-proof it.”

He pulled a key from his pocket and gave it to James before wandering over still holding hands and falling into a lecture about all the security measurements and how only they could get inside. James stood inside looking through the rooms and thought that yes this already felt like home. His home. Naturally, his home would always be with Q but he could easily imagine this being their home, to love, to treasure, and to grow old in. Always together. 

**Author's Note:**

> I planed the whole mission in the drafting stage but it got cut due to it distracting from the main storyline. I dunno if I should write it as it is also very angsty and lots of it was spoilered already.


End file.
